Cassidy Olivia Wintle

I was going to post this earlier today but by the time I got through typing it we had to leave for a wedding reception and are just getting back from visiting with friends, so it's a little late but here goes....I think I am reflective today because it is the day my daughter would have turned 6. My second girl and second child was born on July 31, 2002. She weighed in at 5lb 6oz and was born at 38 1/2 weeks. This is the first time I have recorded the events that took place and I am sure my memory is not perfect but this is how I remember things now, as I look back on them. I think I better start at the beginning. This pregnancy had been a little different than my first one, in that the first 3 months I hated my husband. No particular reason, just everything he did bothered me and I always found something he had done wrong even if he had just walked through the door. I didn't realize I was doing this until he pointed it out to me. Those feelings ended about the time my first trimester ended. When we found out she was a girl we both agreed on the name Cassidy Olivia. Cassidy because we both liked it and Olivia after my great grandmother Olive (with a little twist). My pregnancy was going well but from the time you start feeling your baby kick I would always mention to my doctor that she was moving but not as much as Sage, our first daughter, had. He would listen to the heartbeat and it was always where it should be so he would just remind me what to do if I didn't feel her. I always "chalked" it up to her being a calmer personality and she would just be more laid back than my Sage that was always on the go.

On July 30 I had one of my last appointments with my OB. I mentioned again about her not kicking as much and we reviewed again what should be done if I don't feel her at all (eat something, lay down on your side, etc). Her due date was August 11 but I left there with a tentative induction planned for August 8 (I think my OB was going to be out of town and I wanted him to deliver her). My friend was watching Sage for the afternoon so I decided to drive down to American Fork and look at the blessing dresses from Little Things Mean a Lot. I have never been into the long fancy dresses and was on the hunt for a short simple dress. I found a cute one piece at another store but I have to make sure all of my options have been looked at before committing to "the one". I didn't see anything I liked but as I almost out the door I saw a really fancy one hanging up at the register on hold. I looked at it for a minute and thought I would choose that if I were into the longer dresses a nd left it at that. I went to work that night and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

The next day, July 31, I had a lunch date planned with my friends and their kids. We talked about the birth coming up but during the lunch and when I was leaving I felt a little uneasy about the amount of inactivity and thought I would lay down when I got home. When I got home I was expecting my Visiting Teachers and forgot to lay down. They came and we talked some more about the birth and other things and I again felt a little uneasy about the inactivity and thought I will lay down after they left. After they left it was time to start dinner, get ready for work, etc. and things were forgotten until it was time for me to leave for work and once again I thought I should lay down but I kept going back and forth with not being late for work and telling myself that once I sat down at work I would be able to focus (we were really slow at night) and she was usually more active during that time anyway. I finally decided to take a few minutes to get lay down and then they turned into several more minutes. Your mind plays tricks on you, you think "maybe that was her", "was that my stomach or was that her?". I was still going to go into work but then decided, "this baby is almost full term, I should be able to tell if it is her kicking or not, there shouldn't be a doubt". I called and told my work that I would be in late and Jared, Sage, and I headed to St. Mark's hospital. We checked in and they had me get in the hospital gown and gave me really cold juice to drink while they monitored me. Apparently, the cold juice sitting in your stomach makes the baby react (FYI - ice cream will work too - my first choice). We could hear her heartbeat on the monitor so I felt like everything was okay. They had the doctor on call come in, Dr. Quinn, and he studied the monitor and every time I would my body would have a little contraction or something her heart rate would decelerate. Dr. Quinn told me they would have to delivery via C-section right then. My doctor, Dr. Curt is, was called in and I was wheeled into the room to be prepped. My mom came for Sage and took her to my Grandma Dorothy's, to be tended, and then she came back to the hospital.

Cassidy was born at 9:46pm. When Cassidy was delivered she had a cardiac arrest (heart attack). It took the NICU 19 minutes to resuscitate her and the NICU doctor, Dr. LaPine said that they only try for 20 and they had decided that it was the last attempt they were going to make. After she was resuscitated she was hooked up to breathing machines and I never heard my little girl make her first cry. They took me to the recovery room and we waited impatiently for any update. The first one was that she was showing signs of improvement and we were given a few polaroid pictures of her. Jared and his dad were allowed to go back and give her a name and a blessing. They came back and gave us their update and shortly after the NICU doctor or nurse came back in to tell us she was declining and had had several seizures which resulted in internal bleeding. Her blood was not oxygenating and they were doing several transfusions to get her stable. I was transferred from t he recovery room to a movable bed (I just had a C-section) to see her for the first time. The visit was short because there was so much activity going on but I remember she was in the back room of the NICU, the room you don't ever want your child to be in because that means they are very sick and you either make it or you don't when you are in this room. Cassidy had a button nose and quite a bit of wavy auburn hair. She had swollen feet and one of her hands was big (really puffy).

I was then taken back to my hospital room to worry. Jared was able to go down there a couple of times and her doctor would come up and give us updates. It was during those visits from the NICU doctor, in my room, that he told us he suspects she has Turners Syndrome. What, you ask? So did we. Girls are born with 2 X chromosome and she was missing one of them. Girls can and do live with it (some of them not ever knowing they have it) but it creates short stature, they are usually sterile, and some other physical characteristics (her swollen hand at birth, being one of them) They can have liver, kidney, and heart problems too. The more updates we received the more we knew that she was not doing well and she kept having set back after set back. It basically came down to her being able to live because machines were making her live or take her off the machines and let her die. It was a strange feeling from the time she was born but I didn't feel like she would live. It wasn't a lack of hope, it was just a feeling of peace and knowing that she had lived as long as she would live. We went down with some of our family into the NICU and said our goodbyes and she was then unhooked from the machines and brought to us in the "bonding" room of the NICU. A few pictures were taken by family of her with us and by looking at those pictures you can truly tell the state of our sorrow just by looking at our faces as we "posed" with our Cassidy.

I was left at the hospital while Jared and my parents and his parents set out to make funeral arrangements. We had a lot of visitors and appreciated everyone and the time they took to make sure we were okay.

We buried her a few days later in the dress that I saw at Little Things. It seemed more appropriate for the funeral we were now having. Jared thought I was crazy but I made him take me to the mall to find a dress for the funeral because I was not going to wear maternity clothes (some people do but I wasn't). That same day I made Jared take me to a music store because I wanted the Josh Groban CD and a particular song that I kept thinking about since she died. When we went to dress her for the funeral we were looking at her I think it was Jared that touched her puffy hand and said "her poor hand". The funeral guy thought we were upset about it and quickly said "I'm sorry, that must have happened during embalming". We had to laugh and told him it was that way when she was born. I also rebelled a little, after coming home, when you have a C-section they tell you not to vacuum because that is abdominal work (I didn't know that either). Well, I would sometimes purposely vacumm if I was having a particularly down day, just because I could.

We were visited by and thought of by so many people and we appreciated the sentiments. In talking to my OB later I found out that she had a very thin cord and it was wrapped around her left shoulder, around her right shoulder and around her neck. Babies with Turners Syndrome do not move very well in utero and that was probably the reason I did not feel her move that often. We know that Cassidy could have survived with Turners Syndrome or with a cardiac arrest that she was brought back from or from having seizures, or a cord accident but she had one thing after another and we know that she was only supposed to be on the earth for the 14 hours and 14 minutes that she was. It doesn't always make it easy but having had a witness that she is and always will be a part of our eternal family and that we can one day be with her again helps us to remember Heavenly Fathers plan and our part in it.